I'm Not Just Here for the Pretty Parts
by Too Young to Feel This Tired
Summary: 'I love you,' that means I'm not just here for the pretty parts. I'm here no matter what. -Claudia Gray


**Title: I'm Not Just Here for the Pretty Parts**

**Summary: 'I love you,' that means I'm not just here for the pretty parts. I'm here no matter what. -Claudia Gray**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything**

* * *

**The ****Present**

Vanya cursed herself when she heard the first ring. She should hang up. She shouldn't be calling him at this hour. It was late. It was so late. He was probably long asleep and she was going to wake him up for absolutely no reason what so ever. Just some stupid idea she got into her head which she couldn't shake away.

'Hello,' he asked on the second ring, and Vanya felt whatever she had to say to him left her just as quickly as if it was never there at all. What did she want to tell him?

She swallowed a bit.

'Hello?' he asked again and she could picture him with a confused frown on his face now probably wondering why the person wasn't answering. There was a momentary pause before he asked, 'Who is this?'

He didn't have her new number. They hadn't been in contact for a while now and somehow that realization made her, even more, vary about the whole idea.

'Hi,' she finally managed to get out of her. What a stupid idea this was!

She licked her lips and shut her eyes though to try to figure out a way to continue. Of course, he wouldn't have known who was calling him based on that 1-syllable greeting.

'It's-'

'Vanya?' he asked sounding surprised, and she opened her eyes. Or maybe he would know.

'Uh, hi,' she said feeling like an even bigger idiot. She already said _that_.

'What's wrong?' he asked the surprise replaced with worry. Of course, he would be worry, she was calling him in the middle of the night he must have assumed the worst.

'Did something happen? Are you in danger? Is it the others?' he asked the urgency and panic in his voice made her momentarily lightened up at the thought that he still cared. Even years apart and living their own lives, he still cared for her.

'I-yes, I mean-sorry, no! No danger. And everyone's fine,' she said although to be honest, she didn't know that. She didn't speak to anyone from the family in months and some in years so what the hell did she know.

'What's wrong?' he asked again. His voice didn't lose the urgency despite her telling him all was well. He probably knew it wasn't. They hadn't spoken to each other in months so he must have assumed whatever the reason she decided to call was that she was in danger or she had some sort of problem or someone got hurt.

'I-I'm sorry, it's stupid. I'm sorry to wake you up, Five-Quentin, sorry,' she said cursing at herself mentally. She still kept on forgetting he had a proper name now.

Vanya shook her head, 'It's nothing, goodnight-'

'Wait, Vanya!-'

She ended the call before he would stop her and brushed her face several times. She shouldn't have called him. She was so stupid, so useless, so co-depending.

She went to drink some water maybe take another pill when her phone rang. She blinked and looked at the ID for a moment debating if she should pick up or not. He picked up. She should at least return the courtesy.

'Hi-I-'

'Don't you ever hang up on me like that again!' said Five instantly, 'Not when I can hear you're clearly upset, and I don't know if you're not in danger of being threatened or what the hell happened, alright?' his voice sounded angry. She didn't blame him although she was surprised why he must have been angry. It wasn't because of her late-night call. It was because he was so worried about her, it made him upset.

She took a deep breath and nodded before she realized she needed to speak for him to know, 'Okay, sorry.'

She heard him let out a long sigh, 'Good, fine, don't worry about it anymore.'

The pregnant pause between them was filled with tension, 'So tell me, why the call? Not that I'm not…,' he didn't finish but they both knew what he wanted to say _happy_, '…you called, why?'

Vanya bit her lip thinking about the woman laying on the street again. Her death eyes how similar her story sounded. She couldn't talk about that right now.

She lied of course, 'Just wanted to hear what you've been up to.'

There was another pause and Vanya knew Five could tell that wasn't it. You don't just cut ties for months and then call out of the blue, even people who were as close as her and Five. Yet, because he was Five and knew not to push her where she couldn't go or couldn't do like always he humored with his next words.

'I'm good, I'm in Chicago so don't worry it's not that late,' he said and Vanya blinked surprised, 'Oh.'

'Yeah.'

'Are you on a business trip or something?' she asked genuinely curious her mind finally filled with something else than what happened.

'No, Vanya,' he said his voice different now, 'I moved here. '

She shivered at that. She lost all contact with him and this was how she found out he moved. Several months later when it was all set and done. Was that how it was from now on? They wouldn't speak for ages and then out occasionally call. How sad and horrible it was that someone who was once her sole confidant and best friend, the closes being she had was now a complete stranger.

She swallowed a bit before she took the phone and decided to go to the kitchen to get a glass of water, the fact that Five was no longer in the same city as her slowly sinking in, 'Oh. How is it?'

There was some movement on his end as well, 'It's fine. It's only for a couple of months until I finish my part for the work.'

Vanya was poured the glass with water, 'Will you be relocated then? Or are you coming...' She wasn't sure what word to finish that sentence with. _Home _or_ back_. Nothing sounded too sure or good in her mind.

She drank the water to fill the gap somehow and went to her window.

'I'm not sure,' his voice went softer at the end before he asked, 'What's going on with you? Why did you call?'

She bit her lips, 'I-uh, I-just felt like calling. It's been a while.'

'Yeah,' he agreed and for a moment there was another pause as Vanya climbed on her window frame to sit down and to look at the city at night, 'Have you talked to anyone?'

'Diego called before,' admitted Five his voice sounded lighter a bit casual now, 'He complained about something Luther said or did I wasn't paying much attention I just let him vent while doing the morning crosswords.'

Vanya chuckled surprising herself. It was a while since she found something to be funny, amusing.

'So he's still at it,' she said a little bit lighter as well. Some of the tension between them passed.

'Yeah, what about you?' he asked.

She thought about who she had been talking to recently. Ben? Allison? Yeah probably one of them, 'I went out with Ben on lunch a few weeks ago.' It wasn't entirely true. It was almost two months ago, but she wasn't sure how to admit that. It was the reason she called in the first place. It was the reason why she felt like she was suffocating and not even the pills helped her to calm down this time. This evening on her way from work, one of her neighbors committed suicide. There were policemen and her other neighbors were outside talking about it non-stop.

'_Such an odd woman. She never had any visitors. She never went anywhere. She never spoke with anyone. She didn't have a husband. She had no pets. She was alone. She was all alone._'

Vanya was alone too. Many people were and even if that caused her to feel pity and think about how she was lonely too, it was when her other neighbor said.

_'I tried to be friends with her, but she was one of those people who push everyone who got too close.'_

It chilled Vanya to the bone as she listened to them and then finally went home. She couldn't help but think about those words haunting her whenever she went into her small apartment.

_She pushed everyone who got too close. _

The more she thought about it, the more she realized it applied for her as well. Dad might have caused her to be a nervous ball of nerves and stress who was only used to be behind the curtain in the corner, but it was her own fault she avoided being with people. She could call her siblings. She could try harder to stay in touch but she didn't. She pushed everyone away all by herself. By her weird behavior, sadness and doubts. She just..._pushed_ everyone who ever wanted to get close away her family included. Worst of all, Five included.

'Yeah, I haven't spoken with him in months, I should probably call him,' said Five causing her guilt and worry to melt a bit.

'How is he?' he asked and Vanya let out a relieved sigh before she said, 'Good. He said he got to teach a new class this year. The dean finally got off his back.' She recalled all Ben had told her that lunch before she smiled, 'He couldn't stop talking about his colleague though. Some woman he shared the office with.'

Five chuckled at that, 'Oh?'

Vanya felt pleased she got that reaction from him, 'Yeah.'

A comfortable silence fell between them and for a moment it felt like old times.

'How is Chicago?' asked Vanya, 'Rainy or sunny?'

'Very rainy, but right now it doesn't look so bad,' said Five, 'People are a bit weird though. My colleagues have a habit of trying to get me to high five them every morning. It's annoying.'

She chuckled before she could stop herself. Laugher felt good. Imagining Five annoyed by people trying to get him to high five them even better. She couldn't un-see the image now, and she was grateful for it. It made her feel better.

'Anything else?' she asked hopeful and waited.

'The mail-man asked me for an autograph three times already,' he said sounding amused which confused her, he usually hated when people recognized him from the Academy.

'Okay? That was annoying or nice?' she asked, 'I'm not sure which reaction you hope for,' she confessed, and she felt Five's smirk through the phone when he said, 'Yeah, well, he got really confused why didn't I sign as Jake Gyllenhaal though.'

Vanya immediately started to laugh before she could stop herself until her stomach hurt. She couldn't breathe and needed to take a moment to finally calm down as the joke washed over her, and she inhaled.

'My God,' she still giggled a bit, 'He...oh my god. That is the funniest thing I heard in a long time. What did you do?'

'Nothing I closed the door and tried to get a new one but the post office took it as a joke. Obviously, he did it a couple of times before to other people,' he said still sounding amused so Vanya was glad.

'Look-a-likes?'

'Yeah, whatever. I can't believe he would think I look like that guy. I'm clearly better looking,' he said and Vanya chuckled, 'Yeah, sure.'

'What you think he looks better than me?' he asked and Vanya licked her lips looking out at the city for a moment before she said, 'I think both of you are handsome men.'

There was another pause at Five's end and she immediately regretted saying that, 'You know I'm sure your fans seem to think so.'

She almost face-palmed herself for saying something like that before she sighed, 'I'm sorry. Forget it.'

'Yeah, right,' he replied in a voice which made it clear the fun was over.

'Vanya, why are you really calling me?' he asked his voice serious now and Vanya just held the phone tighter, 'I just needed someone to talk to.'

'Why?' he asked and then took a deep breath, 'why now? Why today?'

'I just... I just wanted to hear your voice,' she confessed feeling her reservation slipping away from her, 'I just needed to hear your voice-'

'Why?' he demanded his voice now getting upset which caused Vanya to shut out again, 'Nothing, forget it. I should-'

'Don't you dare hang up on me, alright? Just don't,' he told her and then took a deep breath. Five might have look cold, collected and reserved most of the time, but Vanya knew he could get upset and explode quickly. He didn't have the hot-blooded anger Diego did, but he had a silent one, one she was very familiar with. But she was also no stranger to the way he tried to get back to normal after he exploded. He could never be mean to her or stay upset with her for too long. He always needed to make amends with her. He cared for her too much to push her away. That was the whole point of this call, wasn't it? He cared too much so even though he was upset with her, even though she hurt him, he couldn't say no to her, he couldn't cut her off. He just couldn't not completely. Not the way she cut him off. She had no illusion. Five knew she didn't call just because she wanted to catch up. No way, she would have called in the middle of the night if she didn't need to talk to him. If she didn't need to talk to someone, anyone and prove herself she was fine. She chose Five because like with everything he could never say no to her. He could never hurt her or refuse to help her. That was the tragedy of all it.

Her lips trembled as she said, 'I'm sorry...'

'Why did you call?' he demanded his voice a bit calmer now.

She shook her head. Even in the dark and without having to see his face something was just really hard to say, 'I...pushed you away.'

She licked her lips and brushed her forehead before she let out a humorless chuckle, 'Because that's what I do. I push away the people who care about me. People who really care about me because...if I'm alone, it's easier to be me. When I'm with people, even with you, I feel like I'm getting too close, too attached. I just...I just have this...feeling inside me that no matter what I do or act or how you look at me I will never be good enough for you and the whole sibling thing just added to the problem. I just...I miss you, and I care for you and I...,' she crushed the phone in her hand, 'I love you, Five. I love you much it's terrifying because if I let you in and you will leave I will just-'

'I will never leave!' he cut her off immediately his voice shaking just as much as she assumed hers was, 'Vanya, I love you since we were kids. I don't care about whatever my drunk co-worker said or whoever, I just love you. I want to be with you. I always want to be with you and screw everything, do you hear me?'

She closed her eyes, 'You don't get it.'

'No, I do. You love and I love you and yet you make up these ridiculous reasons inside your head why we can't be together making us both suffer,' he said and she felt tears running down her cheeks when he said that. She knew she hurt him. Gosh, she knew she did and she hated herself so much for it. If she only hurt herself she could handle it but hurting him was her greatest regret.

She took a deep breath and although he must have been able to tell said, 'I'm sorry for calling. I shouldn't-I shouldn't have. I-good night, Five.'

She ended the call before he could stop her again and this time turned off her phone throwing it across the room and crying against the window for what felt like ages. She hated herself so much at that moment. He was right. Of course, he was. The reason she called was because the woman who killed herself was just like her pushing everyone away and then suffering, hurting the people who loved her just because she never felt good enough for them to stay. Part of the blame was her father's, yes, but some of it was her own. She was the one who continued to do that even in her adulthood. So now she once again lost Five. For the briefest of the moments, she felt what it was like to have him and then lost him again. After what felt like an hour she tired herself with crying and just laid down and the window frame falling asleep in an instant too exhausted to move, dreaming about the purple dress she ruined all those months ago.

* * *

**The ****Past**

Vanya carefully pushed her right arm through the silky sleeve of her new purple dress. It never took her this long to put on single-piece clothing, but she felt that any time she tried to speed it up she could hear the fabric tearing so she made sure to be especially gentle with it. Once she was fully dressed she stepped in front of her bedroom mirror.

She looked nice. She supposed it wasn't inappropriate to wear to a science award gala in Five's work. He asked her to come as his plus one a month ago running her plans to stay home watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine and have a comfortable weekend. Now she had to play dress up and walk around in heels which were barely called heels and still made her feel uncomfortable in a dress which hugged her body almost too tight and made her feel like she was naked in a room of people who were about fifty times smarter than her.

_Thanks a lot, Five._

She shook her head mentally and walked to the door. She should probably go wait downstairs for him to come to pick her up.

She put on a coat and took her bag opening the door only to reveal Five already standing there looking a bit put off before he opened his mouth taking her in. Her coat wasn't buttoned yet so he could see most of her dress.

She looked down and back at him, 'Is it okay? Allison said it should be a long dress. Don't I look like I'm drowning in it?'

Five looked strange which didn't help her lack of self-confidence at all. She nervously stood in front of him waiting for what he would say before he forced a smile and said, 'You-you look good.'

It sounded like a lie with the tone he used and Vanya felt her shoulders fall down and disappointment to enter her stomach. Sure, she knew she wasn't pretty so it shouldn't matter if she dressed up or not.

She looked away and nodded, 'Right. Thanks.'

'No,' he said suddenly causing her to look at him, 'I mean...you... you look beautiful. Speechless beautiful in fact.'

His confession surprised Vanya, and she knew this time it was the truth. She had felt the heat coming to her cheeks as she smiled, 'Thank you. You cleaned up nicely as well.'

She meant it. Five was actually a very pretty man so of course, he looked nice with a formal suit.

He smiled a bit at her and offered her his arm, 'Shall we?'

She took it, and they let him lead her. The whole ceremony was a very noble and nice affair Vanya and Five were seated next to his colleagues who she knew from his talks so she knew at least their names and what Five thought about them.

When they announced Five's name, he offered Vanya a grimace which got her to smile and quickly rushed toward the podium to take his award.

'You and Quentin make an adorable couple,' said a woman on her left, Julia. Ah yes, people around him called him by his new name. Almost everyone did, but she liked to call him Five as he once told her he liked it more. He just didn't like being recognized or deal with annoying questions so he decided to get a normal-sounding name. She also liked to be the only one to call him that. It made it sound sort of special that way.

Vanya blinked a couple of times before she realized what the woman said and shook her head, 'Oh, no, sorry, we're not a couple.'

The woman smiled at her knowingly before she looked somewhere behind her, 'No one looks at another person like that, dear.'

'Julia, manners, Vanya here is Quentin's sister,' said another professor by the woman's side.

She looked at the man and then at Vanya with an almost horrified look on her face. She didn't apologize though which confused Vanya even more.

She returned to look at Five as the head of the committee shook his hand and handed him the award. She briefly caught Five looking at her with a half-smile before he went to stand with the others and then back to the table.

She forced on a smile and talked to him like nothing happened, but every time she looked over at the woman she caught her an almost disgusted look. Another thing was that every time she did was when Five had his hand on her shoulder or leaned really close to whisper something to her. She wanted to tell the woman it was nothing. It wasn't anything to frown upon they were just walking nothing inappropriate but she found herself tongue-tied because she didn't want to alarm Five. She had no doubt in her mind he would start a fight with the woman. The truth be told until now Vanya never noticed just how touchy she and Five were. At this point, it seemed almost natural that they touched and hold hands and were close to one another. They grew up together, and both lacked affection growing up even if Five would rather be caught dead than admit it. They just needed it.

'Will you tell me what's wrong please?' asked Five as they drove in the car on the way back home. Vanya's thoughts were still a mess. She looked away.

'Maybe let's take a walk?' suggested Five suddenly and she nodded although it was a bit strange he did. They walked out of the cab and started to walk. Five could teleport if he wanted to and Vanya's place was only a couple of blokes away anyway.

'So what happened?' he asked as they walked down the street.

She shook her head, 'Nothing, just lost it thoughts really.'

Five didn't look convinced, but he didn't push her. They walked in silence for a moment before she said, 'For what it's worth I'm so proud of you.'

Her fingers lightly stroke the award in his suit pocket which was sticking out and probably ripping the fabric being inside like that.

He finally smiled, 'Thanks. It...it means a lot coming from you, Vanya.'

She smiled at him as well, 'Of course, it does. I was your greatest supporter in all the madness of your thesis. You do realize half of it is only thanks to me and my constant coffee and lunch breaks. I practically helped you survive for almost two months because you were so focused on work you couldn't function.'

Five rolled his eyes, 'Whoa, way to tune down my achievement. Did I even do anything? Did I even write it or-'

She giggled and shoved him a bit feeling better the woman and her nasty looks the last thing on her mind as Five smirked at her and brushed away a piece of her from her cheek.

She felt a small spark when he touched her skin, but blamed it on the cold weather and continued to smile. It was a nice night. Cold but still nice and the two of them were once again in a good mood. Vanya liked spending time with Five and didn't see anything wrong with it until the woman pointed it out. Maybe she shouldn't let that affect how she felt. They weren't doing anything bad. They were just being themselves, joking around and caring for one another. How could someone look at them like it was wrong when it was the only happiness Vanya had left in her life? How could someone judge her for it?

It seemed the evening wasn't ruined until Five suddenly put his hands on her cheeks and kissed her. It should be noted that even if when he put his hands on her cheeks she found it odd, she didn't actually understand what he was going to do until his warm lips were against her own.

It lasted a second of blissful and warm madness which she allowed to happen before Vanya realized those soft and warm lips pressed against her own were Five's and she pushed him away startled, 'What?'

He put his hands on her shoulders not letting her run from him, 'I'm sorry. I wanted-this isn't how I planned it at all. Shit.'

Her heart was beating fast as she started to take in what Five was saying and how he looked. He looked agitated and nervous. He looked like someone who was about to make a confession.

'No,' she breathed out finally catching her voice and shaking her head.

Five held her closer, 'Vanya, I-I love you.'

'No.'

He licked his lips and closed his eyes probably not even hearing her at this point, 'I love you for a while now and I just...tonight I achieved something great in my career, but the only person I want to share it with...'

'No,' Vanya shook her head and Five opened his eyes.

'The only person I care enough to share it with is you. I ...damn it-I had a better speech and a better way, but I just-I love you, and I want to be with you-'

'No,' she said firmly now cutting him off guard. She could see the moment he realized what she said as his face turned to utter devastation.

She pressed her hands against his chest. The dirty looks the woman was shooting at them at them filled her mind, 'Five, we can't. We're siblings.'

Five's grip loosened around her arms, 'That's not true. We're adopted.'

Vanya shook her head, 'We grew up together. People know this. They can see it. They will call us perverts and that we should go to hell. I-I can't deal with that.'

'Nobody cares-'

'Yes, they do. People will know and they will see and they will judge, and I don't want people in my work to think something like that of me. I-I can't,' she said and pushed at him to let her go.

'You can't know how people will react!' he argued and Vanya finally said, 'Your co-worker, professor Geller? She thought we were a couple and when someone corrected her she looked at me like I was a monster like I killed puppies and should burn in hell. Five, I can't deal with that. I-I can't,' she said shaking her.

Five watched her all panicked and devastated. She could tell she hurt him, but she couldn't bring herself to do it any other way.

'I'm sorry,' she said and meant it with every inch of her body and soul.

'Do you love me?' he asked suddenly his voice and face changing into something else. Something more confident again something more Five. She felt her insides twisting around like she wanted to throw up. She knew that look. It was Five's look of determination when he would do whatever it took to win, to achieve greatness, to be the best.

Vanya licked her lips, 'Don't.'

'You love me,' he said smirking, 'You do, you're just making up this excuse because you feel if you allow yourself a bit of selfish happiness you would be a bad person or something, and you know it.'

Vanya shook her head again, 'Don't say that. It's not true. I just don't want people to think I'm even more of a freak than they already do, then they did my whole life.'

Five's face softened as he realized she meant the academy. He went to take her hand but she moved away from his reach, 'Whatever I feel for you or if I even feel something for you it's nothing. It can't be anything. I just can't.'

He shook his head trying to reach for her but also trying not to now probably afraid she would step away again, 'Don't do this, Vanya. Don't ruin this because of fear or what people might think.'

Vanya looked away, 'I don't think we should spend time together anymore. Maybe for a while until we don't feel so weird about one another.'

Five grabbed her hand with force and pressed it against his chest over his beating heart before she could pull away this time, 'I'm not feeling _weird_ about you. I _love_ you, Vanya. I have since I learned how to walk. This isn't something that will go away, and I don't want it to. I want you, only you, and if you can't accept it now, fine, but _don't_ push me, this, us away. Just don't. For once in your life be selfish and take it.'

She swallowed hard. His eyes were so intense and his words. It sounded so good, too good to be true. But it couldn't. She didn't know how to handle it and how to face people the way Five could. He didn't care about what they thought, but people would never show it to him the way they would to Vanya.

'I'm sorry,' she said and slowly started to step away from. He let her but followed her home walking in a close distance making sure she would get there safe. That was just how Five was about. A part of her, a brave and foolish part of her wanted to stop and turn back maybe even call out to him and tell him she loved him too. Because of course, she did. He was her amazing, intelligent, funny, cocky, selfish and caring Number Five. The only person she had in the house of nightmares they grew up in. If it wasn't for him, she wouldn't survive it there, she needed him, she loved him since she was little and he rather spent time with her in her room reading and working on his equations than to play with their siblings. She was his favorite and he was hers. She loved him so much, and she knew it was wrong. It was mad to love your brother the way you should only love a man, even if he wasn't her blood. She wished she didn't love him at all. If she didn't this all would be easy. But how could she? She wasn't brave enough to live with the consequences of her decision.

So she walked home and cut all ties with him telling herself she was doing it for him just as much as her. Telling herself he couldn't understand how much it would hurt him if people turned their backs to him. She told herself she wasn't being a coward, and she was doing the right thing. She repeated it every night as she cried herself to sleep because the pills just wouldn't numb down what she felt in her heart for him.

* * *

**The Future**

When Vanya heard the knock on her door, she rose her head confused. It was a Saturday so it couldn't be the mailman or anyone she knew. She had no idea what time it was but she had a feeling it was too early for anyone to pay a visit.

'Coming,' she said still a bit groggily confused why she was on the window frame.

Oh, right. She had a meltdown yesterday because her anti-social neighbor committed suicide and everyone kept on saying how she lived all alone and pushed everyone away and Vanya thought they were so alike.

She brushed her face and sighed feeling like a complete idiot now. Good thing, she and Five didn't talk that often anymore. At least she wouldn't have to face him and re-live her humiliation.

Vanya made a quick check to see if she was decent enough to open the door before she actually opened it.

'Didn't I teach you to always ask _who is it_ before opening the door?' she heard the familiar voice and froze in place as she was face to face with Five who looked just as exhausted as she felt.

'Uh.'

He sighed and brushed his hair nervously his usual confidence gone, 'Can I come in?'

Vanya held onto the door. She could close it. She could shut it in front of his face and lock and just not deal with this, him, them. It would be easy. She had a feeling if she did Five wouldn't dare to teleport inside. He had some respect for her privacy and decisions.

Which was exactly why she stepped aside and let him in.

It was a bit surreal to see him after so many months they were apart. Vanya closed the door behind him taking in how he looked inside her apartment. He used to come to visit her almost every day and then suddenly nothing like a cut with a knife splitting their fates apart.

'I…I was worried,' said Five as he turned around to face her. His expression was clearly tired and she felt a bit guilty. She had no doubt he jumped on the first plane here so he could check up on her after her childish outburst last night.

She looked away and walked into her kitchen, 'Yesterday was a bad day. It's all.'

She started to prepare coffee noting that Five stood still and watched her for a moment before he followed her and went to help her pulling out her mugs while she started the coffee machine.

'What happened?'

'My neighbor killed herself yesterday,' she said and saw how Five's hand paused for a second before he brought it loosely to his body. Was this how they were supposed to be now? Distant? Acting like a stranger? Like they didn't use to keep one another close enough to hear their heartbeats?

'I'm sorry.'

'I didn't know her that much,' she said quickly the coffee machine slowly causing more and more noises silencing everything else. She tried to busy herself and not think about what was happening right now. It felt like she was talking to a ghost. Present but also far away. Untouchable.

'Was that why you got so upset?' he asked slowly the last word a bit unheard because of the noise from the machine, but Vanya could still make it up.

'A little bit. People said she pushed everyone who wanted to be with her away. Sounds familiar,' she said not sure if Five heard her as the coffee machine was the loudest as it was finishing the coffee for them.

It was almost done when Five suddenly took her arm and Vanya realized he tried to tell her something but was silenced by the sound of the machine. His hand felt heavy and warm over her arm. The feeling wasn't unpleasant. It was familiar and nice, and it reminded Vanya just how much she missed it, missed him.

He looked her into the eyes and shook his head just as it finally finished, 'You don't push people away, Vanya.'

She grimaced and looked away again reaching for the mug his hand still on her arm bringing her some peace, she craved so much, 'Yeah, I do. You, Allison, Ben, basically anyone who gets to close or tries. And that's on me, not dad.'

His hand moved through her arm all the way to her hand where he squeezed it, 'Don't say that.'

'It's true,' she argued and Five took a step closer. He was too close now, but Vanya was too damn tired to push him away again. She was a still wreck after yesterday and after realizing it was all true. She did this to herself. All her sadness and feeling shitty about herself were because of her. She never let anyone stick around. She just forced them out.

'It's not. None of us have healthy sibling relationships. We don't meet up for thanksgivings or Christmas Eve. We don't call each other every week. We don't share lots of fond memories of our childhood and we spent weeks sometimes moths without giving a shit about what's going on the others' life, but that doesn't mean we don't care,' said Five and brushed her arm.

'Let me tell you something. If the others even thought for a second there was something wrong with you that you were in danger the way I did, they would be knocking down those doors in a matter of seconds and you know that. You know Diego would probably be climbing your window and Klaus would bring a gyrate or something equally useless while convicting Ben to sing along.'

She shook her head bit but smiled at the thought, 'Allison would be bossing us all around and Luther would try to be all leader like before he would go all _yes, dear_.'

She couldn't help but giggle at that and watched as Five smiled as well, 'That's better. Keep that up.'

His fingers suddenly stroke her lips before he could stop himself apparently. She noticed she also didn't stop him. It also felt nice. His fingers were always very gentle with her when they touched her face.

'For the record, you didn't push me away either,' he said, 'Not by a long shot. I'm still here. I came even if we haven't spoken for a while.'

He took his hand off hers but didn't step away. She noticed. She felt painfully aware of everything now. Every touch, look, and expression, the heat which came from his body. Nothing about any of that was platonic, and she could feel it now, 'I want you to know that.'

He tapped her forehead in good nature and she tried to shove him away from both smiling, 'So push those ridiculous ideas out of your head, alright? Getting here was a real pain in the ass.'

She chuckled again feeling touched and warm inside knowing Five cared so much.

'Thank you,' she said, 'For coming.'

He nodded and set the hot mugs with coffee aside, 'Also I'm sorry. I…I had some time to think over what happened and what I told you,' he said looking unsure again, his good mood and confidence pushed aside.

'I'm sorry. I can't...don't know what it's like for you. What it was like to grow up with us in the background and what it would be like to deal with people who would know we were adopted,' he said carefully, 'I don't know how you feel and I acted like a total jackass making it seem meaningless and not important like just because _I_ said we could be together we magically could be together with no obstacles.'

He looked into her eyes his own showing just how vulnerable he was, 'I love you.'

Vanya couldn't help, but note how softly and quietly he said it now compare to how buzzed and vocal he was when he first told her after he kissed her.

'I want to be with you, but,' he looked away and cleared his throat to sound less broken which brought her even more pain all the same, 'I get that maybe I can't.'

He looked at her again, 'I would never hold it against you. It hurts and it does some pretty damage to my confidence which you might consider a good thing because you always said I needed to cut it down a bit.'

She offered him a grimace instead of a smile.

'But I…I miss you, I want to be in your life again and you in mine. I…I need you,' he said and tapped against the counter.

She watched him in silence, and he must have wanted to busy himself, so he took the mugs filled with coffee now and set them closer to them on the counter.

'I need you too,' she finally said, 'obviously.'

He looked at her again and somehow she felt braver than she did before maybe because of what happened yesterday or the sleep deprivation, or because seeing him here just showed her how incredibly much she missed him. Whatever was the reason didn't matter though, all that matter was how she felt and how she could no longer keep it inside her.

'And I love you too. I always have, and I think you knew which is why you were so persuasive the first time.'

He nodded his full attention on her without cutting her off which meant a lot to her in that moment to continue to talk.

'I don't have anyone, not the way I have you. And the thought of trying to be with someone the way I was with you just makes me anxious and upset because I don't want to be with anyone else the way, I am with you,' she tried to explain.

She found herself reaching for his hand before she could stop herself or fully process what she was doing.

Five blinked at the sudden handholding but didn't pull away. Of course he wouldn't. He was Five. He loved her too damn much. He wasn't a coward like her and he ready for whatever she needed and wanted. He would give it to her. He was still a bit nervous and tense. She could feel it through their connected hands and see it in his eyes and shoulders. She could tell he didn't trust it. She hurt him too much for him to believe it was true or what it meant.

'I want…I want to be with you.'

Five was quiet for a moment, 'Oh?'

'Yeah,' she said and smiled a bit before she looked away, 'But maybe we can start slow and not tell anyone and maybe we can avoid your colleagues-?'

'I will quit my job,' he said immediately and she shot him a look, 'I'm serious.'

'Me too, and I don't care about it. If it bothers you I will quit and we can start over. I will change my name and no one will know we're adopted, siblings. I don't care.'

'But I thought you liked _Quentin_?'

'The only name I ever liked is the one you call me by,' he said and squeezed her hand tighter, 'The rest is total bullshit. If you want I can quit right now.'

'No,' she said and put her hand against his chest seeing how buzzed and eager he got again, 'You don't have to do that. Let's just avoid your colleagues and not tell anyone for a while and then were can work out what to say to the others. I…I just…can't imagine not being with you anymore.'

He smiled at her and put his hand over her cheek softly stroking it. She liked it when he touched her like that like she was something delicate to be taken with care.

'Whatever you want, whatever I can, I will give it to you,' he pressed his forehead against hers, 'I will give you anything I can.'

She shook her head against his, 'I don't need anything. Just you in my life.'

'You have me,' he replaced his forehead with his lips kissing her gently and then pressing his forehead again, 'You always had me and always will.'

She nodded now and stood on her toes as she raised her head to kiss him. It was different this time. Slow. They had all the time they needed and both wanted it now. Five's lips were just as warm as that night she left him, and just as soft. The kiss felt good. It caused her to feel a certain warm feeling inside her stomach and joy in her chest.

She felt him brush her cheek as he deepened the kiss but kept it chaste for her sake.

When they broke the kiss to breathe she kept her eyes closed a bit longer, 'Thank you for coming back.'

He kissed her cheek close to her mouth, 'Vanya, don't you know you can never chase me away for good? No matter how hard you would try I would always come back.'

'Good,' she said as he pulled her into his embrace and for the first time in all those months they were apart Vanya felt good, happy, at peace. And she felt like maybe they could somehow make it all work as long as they were together. Maybe she could overcome her doubts and whatever nasty looks or mean things anyone said as long as she had Five holding her close like this.

**Koniec**

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**A.N: Hey, I was sure I wouldn't finish this today, but somehow I made it work so here you go. Thank you for reading and supporting my obsession and hobby. If you like to, leave some feedback. Have a nice day**


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